The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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