mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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