The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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