I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
