Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
