Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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