were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
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You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
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GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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