If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
