...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
