There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
