I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need a beard to bite.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
