The best revenge is premature balding
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
