I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You pole danced in your parka.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
