never play flip cup with pint glasses
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
