i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
