He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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