is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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