maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
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Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
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Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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