If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
