Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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