Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
