How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
