Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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