every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
