I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
