I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
