Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
