first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
