I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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