What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
