I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
