Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
