I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
