if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
