am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
