It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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