I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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