The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
