the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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