you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
