I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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