textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
