We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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