saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
