If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He passed out mid-signature
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
