He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
