walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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