i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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