Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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