So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
