Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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