he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
