Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
