So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
