my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
